Draco's Fanmail
by Caren H
Summary: AUish. Draco replies to some fanmail. However, these are Draco's replies and his answers are...well, you'll find out soon enough. You have been warned. First ever HP fanmail piece! Icon by me.
1. Batch One

**Author:** Caren H

**Copyright:** 11/13/05

**Category: **Humor/General

**Pairing: **DM/HG

**Rated: **T, may change

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the HP characters, you know the rest.

**A/N**: I got this idea from reading one of my friends fics for Kim Possible called "Shego's Fainmail." She's bloody brilliant, isn't she? Well, send Draco some questions!

* * *

**Letter one:**

_Dear Malfoy,_

_You are Slytherin scum and I hate you! _

_-_ _Aurora_

Dear Aurora,

First, I already know that I am a Slytherin you distasteful piece of dirt! Secondly, this is FAN MAIL idiot. I do not take kindly to hateful words, or else I will personally hex you to you're death. You obviously have no life, because you actually took the time to write this rubbish letter of yours. You've just wasted paper on this pointless letter!

Sincerely,

-Draco Malfoy

P.S

I hate you too! I'm sure that everyone else who is important shares my feelings.

**Letter Two:**

_Dear Draco, _

_Youso hot and I jus wanna snoggyou senseless. _

_Love,_

_Bubbly-Tee_

Dear Bubbly-Tee

How old are you? Honestly, you should take the time to learn some good grammar and spelling. Better yet,try picking up a dictionary, or something! No one, especially me wants to sit around reading God-awful letters. I think I've just lost half of my brain power just reading your short and retarded letter.

Don't mail me again.

-Draco Malfoy

**Letter Three:**

_Dear Draco, _

_This is Crabe! Do ya no what the test is on in Advanced Ancient Runes on Thursday? And if ya do, can I borrow you're notes? _

_Love, _

_-Crab _

Dear Crabbe,

Why are you mailing me you brainless git? You are wasting my time! You could have just asked me personally. We do share a dorm room together!

No. You cannot borrow my notes. Take your own!

Eww! I don't love you, you bloody queer!

-Draco

P.S

Learn to spell your own blasted name 'Crabbe'.

**Letter Four: **

_DRACOOMFGIXOXOXO__J_

Dear Anonymous fan,

What the hell?

-Draco

**Letter Five: **

_Dear Draco, _

_Why are you with the Mudblood? You could have any girl in Hogwarts and you chose...Granger. She's so…beneath us. Have you gone temporally insane? _

_-Blaise Zabini _

Dear Blaise,

It's none of you're damn business who I date and if you ever question that I will suffocate you in you're slumber.

Yes, I could have any girl in Hogwarts but, they're all whores.

No, I have not gone insane. Have you? Surely, you have mailing me this letter.

YOU are beneath me you male prostitute. Yes, I know that you've been shagging girls for money.

Pathetic.

-D. Malfoy.

PS

If you ever speak of my girlfriend again, I will cause you great pain.

Don't use too many pillows Blaise.

**Letter Six: **

_Dear Draco, _

_Is it true that you can actually perform wandless magic? _

_Sincerely, _

_-Little Billy _

Dear Little Billy,

If I receive fan mail from you again, maybe you'll just find out.

-Draco

**Letter Seven: **

_Oh hail the sexy, rich and powerful, pureblooded, death eater, Slytherin prince. _

_I adore you and will forever worship you as long as there is oxygen in my body. _

_Sincerely, _

_-Follower of the Malfoy's _

Dear Follower of the Malfoy's

I want you to read these words carefully: Throw yourself off a cliff and forever perish.

-Draco

**Letter Eight: **

_Draco, _

_Are you a Death Eater or not? _

_-Curious _

Dear Curious,

Are you a moron or not?

-Draco

**Letter Nine: **

_Dear Malfoy, _

_Don't you find it strange that people are mailing you when you're clearly just a fictional character in the Harry Potter books created by J.K. Rowling's? _

_-J.R. _

Dear J.R.

Don't you find it brainless to actually mail a fictional character that dumbass question and expect a reply?

-Draco

**Letter Ten: **

_Dear Draco, _

_Meet me in the Room Of Requirements for a little snog session. _

_You're girlfriend, _

_-Hermione Granger _

_PS _

_I'm all wet for you luv… _

Dear Hermione imposter,

The 'real' Hermione is sitting right beside me as we speak you slut! She finds this letter truly hilarious. And I am laughing by arse off.

Good luck snogging 'alone'.

-D. M

**End Letter **

A/N: Feel free to leave Draco a fan mail. He'll be sure to answer all of you're questions.


	2. Batch Two

**Author:** Caren H

**Copyright:** 11/13/05

**Category: **Humor/General

**Pairing: **DM/HG

**Rated: **T, may change

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the HP characters, you know the rest.

**A/N**: Hey everyone. Some of these letters are from actually members. Feel free to send Draco fan mail of your own. Do remember that this is **Draco** replying to you're mail. Honestly, I have no say so in this.

* * *

**Letter Eleven: **

Dear Draco,

_When are you and Hermione getting married and having those cute little kids with blonde hair and big brown eyes? _

_-Case of the Crazies _

_P.S. I really do find letter 8 and letter 10 absolutely hilarious. _

Dear, Case of the Crazies,

Why don't you condense the name a bit? It took me almost an hour to reply to your fan mail!

Married? Did Hermione tell you about that? How many times do I have to tell her? One step at a time! It's hard enough being in a _monogamous_ relationship for Merlin's sake.

I hate children.

Potty training isn't on my list of things, if you catch my drift.

-Draco

P.S. I found Letter 10 enjoyable too. I can always get a laugh out of slut bags.

**Letter Twelve: **

_Dear Draco, _

_Which do you prefer, Pepsi or Coke? _

_Amber Walker _

Dear Amber Walker,

Which do you prefer, crippled legs or missing teeth?

-Draco

P.S. Find yourself another hobby!

**Letter Thirteen: **

_Dear Draco, _

_Hermione tells me that you enjoy replying to pointless, annoying and inconsequential fan mail. Care to take care of some of the rubbish I've sent? _

_Sincerely, _

_Harry Potter _

Dear Harry,

Draco refused to reply to you're fan mail.

He's says' that he has already taken care of the 'rubbish'.

It's in the garbage now.

He still hates you, regardless of you're friendship with me.

Your best friend,

Hermione

P.S. He say's to never fan mail him again, or to ever regard him using his first name.

**Letter Fourteen: **

_Dear Draco, _

_Do you like leather? What about life-saviours? __Just curious. _

_FaeWings _

Dear Fae-Wings,

What are you, some dominatrix freak? I'm not into kink! You need saving alright—-from you're mental instabilities.

-Draco

**Letter Fifteen: **

_here's one! what do you think of the people who pair you and harry __up? haha. :) _

Dear Anonymous person,

Here's a tip, CAPITALIZATION! And learn to write a letter in its proper form!

I swear you people are born retarded.

As for slash writers: What the fu$$?

I feel sorry for them because there's no way in hell that I would ever shag Potty.

-Draco

**Letter Sixteen:**

_Dear Draco, _

_Is green and silver you're favorite colours? _

_-Swim Fan _

Dear Swim Fan,

No comment.

-Draco

**Letter Seventeen: **

_Dear Draco, _

_Has Granger tried to change you for the better and if yes how so? _

_-Gretchen DeLodesa Computis _

Dear Gretchen DeLodesa Computis,

Is that really your name? If so, how often do you get teased about it?

Yes, Hermione has indeed tried to change me for the better, and while I may have adapted some of my behavior to please her, deep down, I'm still nasty.

Take this as you please.

-Draco

**Letter Eighteen: **

_Dear Harry Potter, _

_I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! WILL YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER? _

_Love, _

_Cathie P. _

Dear Cathie P,

Wrong address you weirdo.

This is DRACO fan mail you mundane piss of scum!

Have you gone mental? I am not bloody Potter!

-Draco

P.S. Even Potty wouldn't want a fanatical, stalker like you as his girlfriend!

**Letter Nineteen: **

_Dear Draco, _

_Are you in a relationship with Pansy Parkinson? _

_If not, can I take a shot at her? She's really hot! _

_Sincerely, _

_Dreamer _

Dear Dreamer,

No.

Scratch that.

Hell no.

It doesn't say DM/HG for nothing.

You think Parkinson is hot? She's a hideous swine!

I seriously think you have mental issues if you like the bimbo.

If you're after the thick, out of control, pig-like, sham, bitch then by all means go for it. Both of you are clearly insane.

The best of luck to you. You're going to need it…or not, considering that you're just as creepy as Parkinson is.

-Draco

P.S. You're just gross.

**Letter Twenty: **

_Dear Dracko, _

_I have 3 quetions _

_How come u dont smile? __U sport a sneer on __ur__ face all da time. It's creepy. _

_Why do u jel __ur__ hair back? it look all hard, like __ur__ hair is fake. _

_I think u cool and I wanna be jus like u som day. _

_Sicely, _

_Kobie moss a.k.a. komo's. my frends make it up. _

_P.U. Are ya gonna mail me bak cus I realy wan u to? _

Dear Kobie Moss a.k.a. Komo's,

I was going to lay down a verbal assault on your arse for your atrocious spelling and grammar skills…or lack thereof; however, as I envision you as some third grader from the America's, I will let it go…for now, and you "think I'm cool". And I'm also going to forget that you called my hair 'fake' and my face 'creepy'. My hair is brilliant and my face is flawless. Got that? Flawless!

You children never know what to say out of you're little mouths anyway.

This is from the bottom to top: gonna (going), bak (back), cus (because), realy (really), P.U. (P.S. when writing a letter!), frends (friends), Sicely (Sincerely), wanna (want to), u (Y.O.U.), som (some), jel (gel), ur, (your), da (the), and dont (don't).

Number three wasn't a question. It was your opinion.

Look over these words. Learn them, love them, and live them. I don't ever want to receive a letter like this again okay? I'm not trying to be harsh kid, but somebody had to do it and it's evident that your school teachers have little, or no intelligence.

Well, there's nothing else to say.

Oh, right change schools, hate you're parents, and don't take anyone's crap. I don't want to find out that you're the punk that every bully picks on.

You come off as this little softy.

Grow some balls.

Sincerely,

Draco

P.S. The names DRACO! Not Dracko. That's something else I won't tolerate.

**Letter Twenty One:**

_Dear Draco, _

I LOVE YOU! I'M BETTER THAN HERMIONE WILL EVER DREAM OF BEING! WILL  
YOU SLEEP WITH ME?

My lover,

Jessiee

Dear Jessiee,

FIRST OFF, EVERYONE LOVES ME! SO JUMP IN LINE!

SECONDLY, LEARN SOME GRAMMAR! YOUR LETTER MAKES LITTLE SENSE.

AND THIRD, THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL THAT YOU COULD EVER BE BETTER THAN MY HERMIONE YOU DEMENTED PSYCHO!

-Draco

P.S. HELL NO I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU NYMPHO!

**End of Letters**

**

* * *

A/N: Thank you for sending in your fan mail to Draco. He really appreciates them, and loves responding to you're questions. Feel free to drop a letter off on your way out. **

Remember, Draco cares about the fans...and the idiotic.


	3. Batch Three

**Author:** Caren H

**Copyright:** 11/13/05

**Category: **Humor/General

**Pairing: **DM/HG

**Rated: **T, may change

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the HP characters, you know the rest.

**A/N**: Draco is truly pleased with all the fanmail that he has been receiving and urges his fans to continue. Feel free to send Draco fan mail of your own.

**Letter Twenty Two:**

_Malfoy,_

_You were totally rude about the green/silver thing. It was just a question. _

_-Swim Fan_

Dear Swim Fan,

Who cares?

Irritably,

Draco

P.S. It was a stupid question! Everyone knows that I love green and silver.

**Letter Twenty Three:**

_Ferret,_

_Why do people send you fanmail but none to me? What's so special about you?_

_Weasley_

Weasel,

Let's see why no on shows any interest in you. Hmm…ooh! I've got it!

I'm smart, you're brainless.

I'm sexy; you're hard on the eyes.

I have style; you wear ruffles.

I have Hermione, and you have lubricant.

Did I forget to mention that I'm sexy?

And you're too slow to do anything about it.

-Draco

P.S. You've become a little whiner Weasel-Bee! Get some back bone before I heave.

**Letter Twenty Four:**

_From: Narcissa _

_Darling Draco, _

_My little baby's all grown up! Aw, you're such a perfect gentleman. I hope you and Hermione do get married even though it's a little on the dangerous side. My darling I love you._

_Lots and Lots of Love,_

_Mummy_

Dear Mum,

You're sitting right across from me! Stop mailing me!

You do remember that Hermione and I are here for the holidays?

And for the last time, nobody's getting married right now!

God, the pressure!

Love you loads mum,

Draco

**Letter Twenty Five:**

_Dear Draco, _

_Do you ever get sick and tired of idiotic fangirls? Ever thought to make an army of them and take over the world? Frantic fangirls are of use. _

_If you don't think so, ask Tom Riddle._

_Love,_

_Cris_

Dear Cris,

Yes, I do get tired of psychotic fan girls. So, why are you fan-mailing me?

-Draco

**Letter Twenty Six:**

_Dear Draco,_

_I admire your attitude, and some of those fan-mailing people were really really STUPID. Well, I like your responses. Good on you for going out with Hermione, I think it is very nice, you changed. Do you find it difficult? Being with her while you are in rival houses..? Well, I am glad you despise people writing slash, as I find it... freaky. There are NO mistakes in this letter, because I am not 'stupid' as you say. Say Hi to Hermione for me. You are very pretty, though I realise you are Hermione's and vice-versa. So relax. Well, _

_Cheerio. _

_Sincerely._

_Tia. _

_P.S. Please reply, as I would be amused to see your response._

Dear Tia,

I was considering searching you out to hex you into oblivion for thinking that I was 'pretty', however such an appraising and well written letter distracted me otherwise…momentarily.

I haven't changed. I still love to tease losers unmercifully. If anything, I've gotten worse.

No, there are no problems as far as my own house because they all know not to tamper with my relationship. Slytherins treasure their lives dearly.

-Draco

P.S. Yes, slash baffles me.

**Letter Twenty Seven:**

_Dear Draco, where do you get off criticising your fan mail when you have terrible spelling yourself? To the point that you don't put spaces between words?_

_This is from top to bottom: readingGod awful(reading Godawful); there all whores (they're all whores); Afterthe (After the); lackthereof (lack thereof); intelligents (intelligence); asthis (as this); MAKE'S (makes). _

_And that's just the beginning._

_-Stephanie _

_P.S. Perhaps you could ask Hermione to edit your letters for you?_

Dear Stephanie,

How about we look over your mistakes, yes?

At first glance your entire letter appears to be WRONG! This isn't in proper form. "_Dear Draco, where do you…" _

Can we say new paragraph?

"_To the point that you don't put spaces between words?_" (This is a fragmented sentence and it needs major revising ASAP!)

You write exactly how you speak, second-rated and overstated! Catch the rhyme? I'll bet that you reread this letter over and over again before sending it in, yet you still have misspelled words and fragments. What a sorry charlatan.

Criticising, (criticizing) Do you see that? Learn it!

Your correction for (Godawful) is still indeed wrong. (God-awful) has a dash in between it, which by the way was removed for some strange reason, via my reply.

Until you can write faultless mail, you are not permitted to criticize anyone's writing. Especially mine's, you over zealous, pretentious buff!

-Draco

P.S. Perhaps **you** should ask your boyfriend to proof-read your letters, if there is one.

**Letter Twenty Eight: **

_Dear Draco, _

_I'm glad you hate Pansy, I do too. Just thought I would let you know that I loathe her with every fiber of my being. best wishes to you and Hermione._

_Sincerely,_

_Hedw1g_

Dear Hedw1g,

Hermione and I are doing just fine. Besides, she _is_ dating _me_.

I'm glad that you 'loathe' Parkinson. Anyone who despises her is okay by my standards.

Why don't you send "Dreamer" your letter as well? He adores her, and somebody needs to get through to the buffoon. The man's crazed!

-Draco

P.S. You need to capitalize 'best'.

**Letter Twenty Nine:**

_D-MAN,_

_WAZZ POPPIN MA HOMIE? U MEMBER ME? FROM DA HOOD? WELL IM BAQ N NOW CHALLENGE U 2 A..._

_RAP BATTLE!_

_Best regards,_

_Jacob "M-Dawgg" Smith_

Dear "M-Dawgg" Smith,

I pray to god that your mother didn't name you that.

I am not you're "homie".

I'll do my best to **not** remember you!

I challenge you to commit suicide.

Hatefully,

Draco. Not D-Man!

**Letter Thirty:**

_Draco,_

_You're really hot and Hermione is really lucky to have you. Oh, and by the way, you should be a rapper. You could be like eminem- the white rapper who has a lot of anger (no offense to eminem or to you), lmao._

_Totally in Like with You,_

_Sing for the moment_

Dear Sing for the moment,

Who the hell is Eminem?

-Draco

**Letter Thirty One:**

_Dear Draco,_

_Just one question, now that you are seeing Hermione are you going to lay off trying to kill Harry Potter, or is this going to be one of those "what Hermione doesn't know won't hurt her" type of things?_

_Signed,_

_Just Curious_

Dear Curious,

What Hermione doesn't know won't hurt her. wink

-Draco

**Letter Thirty Two:**

_Dear Draco,_

_You and Hermione are made for each other. I hope your relationship is long lasting. Send Hermione my regards. _

_Anna_

Dear Anna,

What is this, suck up to Draco and Hermione day? Ask me some questions Dammit!

-Draco

**Letter Thirty Three**

_Malfoy, _

Geroff Hermione.

H. Potter and R. Weasley.

P.S.  
If we hear her complain about you, you're screwed.  
...go to hell.

Dear Potter and Weasley,

I have nothing to say because I am currently laughing my arse off at your poor attempts at intimidating threats.

-Draco

P.S. I'll be sure to see you there as well.

**Letter Thirty Four**

_Dear Draco Darling,  
_

_I still don't understand why you won't try to experiment with me... I mean I am the sexiest Italian you'll ever meet. I even get all the chicks...hell I had Potter. So I want you...can I have you. And if Granger objects tell her she can join us waggles eyebrows suggestively.  
_

_Sincerely,  
_

_Blaise Zabini_

Dear Zabini,

You have a penis. I don't like those.

You are a male prostitute.

No.

No.

I will shave you're eyebrow's off menacingly.

-Draco

**Letter Thirty Five **

_Dear Draco, _

If you could turn anyone into a teddy bear for one night, who would it be and what would you do to the teddy bear?

Always,  
Maggi

Dear Maggi,

If I could turn anyone into a reeking skunk for one night, it would most certainly be you. And afterwards, I would stomp on you with my expensive shoes.

-Draco

**Letter Thirty Six**

_Dear Draco, _

First of all, thank you for replying. Have you ever considered yourself a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde case, or in the wizarding world, Voldemort's and Dumbledore's case? Last question, how did you fall in love with Hermione?

-CotC

P.S. There, I condensed it! Happy?

Dear CotC,

I know that I have certain anonymities about myself.

I consider myself…neutral. I listen to no one.

I fell in love doing a spell, gone wrong…while trying to rid her of her existence.

-Draco

P.S. No. Your name still sucks. It sounds like a militia abbreviation.

**Letter Thirty Seven: **

_Dear Draco,_

_It is not befitting of a Malfoy to reply to the letters of the common class. Please cease and desist at once._

_Sincerely,_

_Lucius Malfoy_

_Your Father_

Dear L. Malfoy,

My father is locked away in Azkaban.

So, why are you mailing me?

-Draco

P.S. Don't ever pretend to be my father again!

**End of Letters**.

Draco appreciates all the attention and encourages fan's to send in there fan mail.

**A/N**: I've totally lost, haven't I?


	4. Batch Four

**Author:** Caren H

**Copyright:** 11/13/05

**Category: **Humor/General

**Pairing: **DM/HG

**Rated: **T, may change

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the HP characters, you know the rest.

**A/N**: I think that I'm going to finish this up soon. I didn't know that I would get so many responses and it's quite overwhelming. I'm not one of those authors who expect such attention, so when I get so much feedback, it…wow! I don't know if I can keep up, with my already crazy schedule.

**Letter Thirty Eight:**

_Dear Draco, _

I was wondering, what job will you take after your days at Hogwarts? Or are you planning to just sit there and let the others do the work? You may think it's stupid but its not.

Anyway, regards to Hermione and as a last question, do you have any nicknames for her? Hermione is such a long word. Do answer.

Your avid fan (sometimes!)

Mitzkah

Dear Mitzkah,

I plan to die. It's none of you're concern! My future is already planned. Contrary to what you think, I do not have others to do the work. Well…not all the time anyway.

I call her 'aube', French for dawn. She is my morning light.

-Draco

P.S. I have not gone soft. It is simply the truth and I'm man enough to say such things.

**Letter Thirty Nine:**

_Dear Draco, _

Well, Thank you for your reply, I was amazed at how quickly you responded. I was agreeing with you when I said you were pretty, in one of your replies, to some stupid person, you said of course you were pretty and looked good with your hair gelled back. I didn't mean to offend you. Alright?

Well, I have a question to ask you. When is your birthday? Mine is today, the 17th of November. May I ask, what is your favorite food and why? I was just thinking about it the other day.

You do have a few mistakes in your replies, (some of them.) But overall, you are a very good speller.

God luck cursing Ron to oblivion, as I think him a bit too violent. Harry is alright, but I prefer your laid back attitude better.

Good luck with the merciless teasing. And well done in putting some people in their place. (For example, the 'dude' who called you D-Man. You are NOT a rapper type, and just thought you might like to know, Eminem is a famous white rapper, who writes his own music.

From,

_Tia_

Dear Tia,

You're welcome.

In that case, I take back what I said. I'd forgotten that 'pretty' was in one of my letters.

You have good spelling as well.

My birthday is June, 5.

Smothered Chicken, depending on who cooks it; if you didn't know already, mother isn't able in the cooking area.

I am laid back. I love the pleasure of seeing drama unfold all around me knowing that I was the silent cause.

I have several more people to put back in their places.

I know what rap is. I just don't like it, and neither does Hermione. She's more of a…what did she call it? Right, she's more of a Pop/Rock fan, whatever that means.

-Draco

**Letter Forty:**

_Dear Draco,  
_

_I realize that this letter is going to sound ridiculous but...how exactly did it feel when Hermione slapped you in Third year? I don't mean...'did it hurt?'...but were you angry or just plain shocked? Thought I'd ask out of curiosity.  
_

_PeanutButteroreoCookieGirl _

P.S.It was pretty obvious you and Hermione would get together...give her my regards.

Dear PeanutButteroreoCookie Girl,

I'm going to have to ask you to please shorten the name. What? Were you that hungry?

I was shocked because no one had ever dared to do such a defiant act against me and from then on I wanted to see what else she would dare to do. That of course meant doing everything in my power to infuriate her further.

-Draco

P.S. Don't ever bring that up again.

**Letter Forty One:**

_Dear Draco,  
_

_How dare you shave my beautiful eyebrows? I'm not a man whore...ok maybe I am but still. Since you won't come to me do you think I have a chance with Weasley?  
Sincerely,  
_

_Blaise Zabini_

Zabini,

How the hell should I know? You have gaydar! Use it!

-Draco

**Letter Forty Two:**

_Dear Draco, (or Malfoy, as I prefer to call you)  
_

_Why do some authors insist on pairing the two of us up? That's disgusting! I would say that I completely despise you--although I won't because you are dating Hermione. Plus the fact that I'm dating Harry. Say hello to Hermione from me and both of you (but mostly her) the best of luck.  
Sincerely,  
_

_Ginny Weasley_

Weaslyette,

I think they've completely lost it, that's why. You're right, it is disgusting…revolting actually. I have extreme dislike for you—and I still do even if I am dating Hermione. Though, I can tolerate your presence.

Tell Potter to forever rot in hell, the best of luck.

-Draco

**Letter Forty Three:**

_My dearest Draco Wacko-ish pancake, _

Drop Granger, she's below us.

Your parents say we'll be perfect for each other! Please! I'll love you forever and ever if you marry me!

Hey, how about a hot snogging session under the moonlight tonight? Eh?

Wink.

Wink.

Your lovely princess,

_Pansy-shnuffles._

Dear Parkinson,

If you ever refer to me as '_Wacko-ish pancake'_ again, I'll be sure to turn you into a real hideous pig.

Hell no! Who do you think you are? I don't love you, and I will never marry you!

Hermione is beneath NO ONE! When I said she'd changed my views, I meant it. I no longer linger on blood ranks. If I dislike someone, it isn't because of their blood. It's because I simply don't like them. And you're one of those people I hate justly.

-Draco

**Letter Forty Four:**

_Draco,  
_

_Is there anyone who sends you mail who you do not insult? If you fell in love with Hermione doing a spell gone wrong then how on earth did she fall in love with you?  
_

_-Amanda_

Amanda,

Yes, actually. And I'm trying my _very_ best not to insult you.

She placed the Babbling Curse on me, causing me to spill all my surfacing thoughts out to her, and as you can presume she was currently in my thoughts. That day, she got a little glimpse of the real me. I told her how I found her better than she should have been, considering that she was a Mudblood, yada, yada, yada. I've always secretly found her intriguing okay!

But, you should have seen it. She was furious that say, kind of turned me on too.

-Draco

P.S. Nice try. Don't ever insult me, seeing as I didn't insult you.

**Letter Forty Five:**

_Dear Draco, _

How is my sweetie-tummies doing? Did you like the barbie I sent you earlier? I think the pink fluffy outfit matches with your robes. Mummy misses you, darling!

Love,  
Mummy Narcissy

P.S. curse the heck out of those mudbloods and make Mummy proud.

Dear Imposter,

I've allowed my 'true' mother to read this, and she's bloody pissed. I'd suggest you go into hiding and soon.

-Draco

**Letter Forty Six:**

_Dear Draco, _

I hate you and I know this is fanmail, just shutup you think you know everything well you don't. The real Hermione would never like you or go out with you.Ya know go ahead and blabber all about how wrong i am (which is not true) and how pointless this fanmail is.Oh try to hex me like you can.I just want you to know go to hell your not wanted anywhere.

P.S I don't like Hermione or you! (especially you!)

Dear Anonymous mailer,

You have some serious problems. Assuming that you have mental issues beyond my repair, I am going to refrain from saying anything wounding.

Not to mention that Hermione wouldn't be pleased, despite your vice words concerning her.

Hermione, I'll admit is more mature then I am. She won't pay you're hateful words any mind.

-Draco

P.S. I have the best Psychologist money can buy on his way. You need _all_ the help you can get. You're just lucky enough to have somebody who's nice enough to help you, considering you just yelled at my girlfriend.

**Letter Forty Seven:**

_Dear Draco, _

Are you evil incarnate?

No, but you're damnably close.

Are you handsome?

Slightly so. Orlando Bloom is hotter.

Are you evil to the point of hotness, even if you're slightly stupid and thick-headed sometimes?

Unfortunately so.

I'll say this: I DO admire you.

It's kind of hard to keep up with this admiration when your favorite person to torment is some twit with a scar on his forhead, though. So he has his name books. Is that any reason to waste your greatness on him?

That tall boy, too. Why bother with somebody of his status?

I admit, Malfoy, though I am below you, I am a lot smarter.

I can prove it, too.

Say "silk" five times.

Now, what do cows drink?

Don't turn your pointy little nose up at this question. Answer it. If anything, it will amuse you or Hermoine(assuming you get it, that is).

Ah, speaking of which, give my regards to her. (She isn't allowed to help you with the above question, either.)

Sincerely,

Juu

Dear Juu,

No.

I am close.

I am handsome. Not slightly, but simply handsome.

Orlando Bloom is a damn patsy with a hairstyle that resembles Frodo Baggins.

Are you insightful to the point of geniusness, even if you are slightly obsessed and creepy?

Regrettably so.

I'll say this: I do find you interesting.

It's really hard to keep up with all this curiosity when your favorite hobby is to analyze fictional characters to the point of clinical concern. So, my name is also in books. Is it any reason to waste that _much_ energy on me? I appreciate the compliment, yet you are starting to freak me out.

I'll admit that you are ingenious, and possibly smarter than me. But, you're also borderline insane. I see you as this alienated and insolated person that no one understands. At any rate, you could completely lose it at in minute. You are also sociably retarded, another result from being a universal genius. This poor attempt at fan mail proves it.

I choose to pick on a self righteous, scar head character like Potter, with all his books and hero complexity because despite his obvious uncanny gifts, he doesn't have a clue. Hopefully with my help, he'll reach his full potential. Everyone has there hobbies, and teasing, God aggravating people, are mine, including hopeless Potter.

Repeat, crop, hop, pop, cop, and top two times.

What do you do at a green light?

-Draco

P.S. Cows drink water. And don't worry, I figured it out in a matter of seconds, without Hermione.

**Letter Forty Eight:**

_Dear Draco, _

Fine. You're neutral. Moving on, what's your most favorite potion to make? Bloody Mary or Martini?

Sincerely,  
-Dies of Boredom

P.S. Case of the Crazies has been abandoned. How about this name?

Dies of Boredom,

Neither, I'm more of a Sex On The Beach drinker; it's mixed with all my favorite beverages: Vodka, peach schnapps, cranberry juice, and grape juice.

What are yours?

-Draco

P.S. Finally, a good name. It has a cynical edge to it.

**Letter Forty Nine:**

_Dear Draco,  
_

_If you consider yourself smart, look up some music history! I mean saying "Who the hell is Eminem," is a bit sad, really. Ask Hermione who Eminem is, I'm sure that she'll know and even direct you to some of his music. And as you're always pissed and yelling at people, you might just like rap (his music especially). _

Not in Like with you anymore because you don't know who Eminem is,

Dear Draco,

Don't you understand? I don't care about Eminem, or else I would have already looked him up, or asked my girlfriend. When someone is generally interested in something, that's when they decide to dig a little deeper. I however am not and I don't want to know about this rapper.

I am not pissed at anyone. If anything, I find certain people funny, if not entertaining and you are currently one of them. I just have a sardonic nature that cannot be subdued despite my efforts. Some of these people had it coming with their pointless, yet innocent questions.

This is your second letter regarding Eminem, why don't you bloody fan mail him? I'm sure he wouldn't mind. It's obvious that we do not share this particular interest.

_-SingfortheMoment_

-Draco

P.S. I don't like you either.

**Letter Fifty:**

_Albino boy,_

_Where do you get off? You can't say things like that to me! First, I am smart. Probably smarter than you. Second, girls are lining around the block for me. You're lucky you _

_even got one.Third, you can't hold the Yule ball against me. It's been 3 years. Fourth, I DO NOT USE LUBRICANT! Ugh! That's disgusting! How does Hermione put up with you? Maybe she's finally cracked. The pressure of being perfect and all. These still aren't good reasons to have fan girls though. Got anything else?_

_Weasley_

_P.S. Your telling me I complain? Who always freaks out if their hair's just a little out of place? Definitely not me. _

Rancid Carrot,

I don't get off. That's why _you_ have lubricant. I can say whatever I want. You of all people should know that by now.

You are not smart, definitely not more than I.

The girls that line up for you are mostly first years.

My god! Don't tell me you're into eleven year olds? Gross!

I'm not going to comment on how many girls I've shagged because I won't even stoop to that, not to mention that Hermione's sitting next to me.

Ha! You looked like bloody Austin Powers that day. How old were those robes anyway, one hundred, two hundred year's old? Talk about hand-me-downs.

If it's so disgusting, then why do you continue to do it?

Are you a chronic masturbator?

Do you feel alone at night?

Haven't you heard of the Yin and Yang complex? While, Hermione and I are total opposites, we are still much more alike then either one of us would care to admit. We're bound to be together. You never noticed the sexual tension between us? Never mind. You're just as dim-witted as Goyle.

It doesn't matter what you think. Opposites do attract.

-Draco

P.S. I don't freak out. I complain, there's a difference you cockroach.

**Letter Fifty One:**

_2 mi deer Drakie-Poo, _

i luv u with all my h3art! i kno you say im a hore, but we both kno u don't meanit! y don't you meet me in the astronomy tower soon? And 4get all bout that mistress hore... Gr... i can't even say her name!

With luv from your REAL girlfriend,

PANSY

P.S. Kiss, kiss Drakie dear...

P.P.S. I

Pansy,

Within two letters your vocabulary has plummeted deeply.

What language are you speaking?

Read this:

You are a whore.

I really mean it.

Hell no.

You're not my girlfriend and I despise you.

-Draco

**Letter Fifty Two:**

_Dear Prince of Slytheryn,  
_

_Your blond hair, is like the sight of gold and your face like an angel. Your body is like Hercules, and sadly your heart is like Hades. _

Your sad admirir

Dear 'sad admirir',

My eyes are hurting. You spelled Slytherin WRONG.

I was with you up until you compared my heart to Hades.

I am not as cold as you think me to be. I am with Hermione, aren't I? Shall I go over all the matters of dating a muggle-born?

I love her.

Never tell me how my heart is! You don't know me at all.

-Draco

**Letter Fifty Three:**

_Draco, _

If Hermione was a guy, would you be gay?

-anonymous

Dear anonymous writer,

I don't know if I can answer that.

What about you? If your boyfriend was a girl, would you be a lesbian?

-Draco

**Letter Fifty Four:**

_Everdearest Drakie, _

I miss you so pooty-pur-wooty much! Do you still like cockroach cluster? I sent them in as an advanced Christmas present.

I heard you're dating a mudblood. If you want me to continue supplying you with cockroach cluster, please dump her now.

Remember that I love you so much, Drakiekins.

Your aunt who misses you so pooty-pur-wooty much,

Olivia Libowitz

Dear Olivia Libowitz,

I don't know who you are but, you're certainly not related to me!

You're a lunatic and I don't want you ever mailing me again.

-Draco

**End of Letter**

**A/N**: Like I said before, I think I'm going to finish this up soon. While this has been fun, I'm running out of ways to answer you're brilliant questions as If I were truly Draco. I think some of you are really taking this to heart because you're reviews/letters are really…spiteful. If not, then you're bloody brilliant with a twisted sense of humor that I can appreciate.


	5. FINAL Batch

**Author:** Caren H

**Copyright:** 11/13/05

**Category: **Humor/General

**Pairing: **DM/HG if anything

**Rated: **T

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the HP characters, you know the rest.

**

* * *

Letter Fifty Five: **

_Dear Draco, _

Ah... nice to know you like Sex on the Beach. As for your question, I like Seabreeze. Vodka, cranberry juice, and grapefruit juice. M... I LOVE grapefruit. Do you like Tequila Sunrise or are you more of an exotic fruit juice with alcohol person?

Sincerely,  
-Dies of Boredom

P.S. Thank you. I rather like the name too.

Dear Dies of Boredom,

I like Tequila Sunrise, and I also enjoy Sneaky Pete: Lime juice, tequila, pineapple juice, white cream de menthe, with lime slices.

I really don't care for grapefruit however; I really do enjoy cranberry juice.

Not really the exotic fruit type…well maybe I am. It depends.

-Draco

Thank Merlin! I thought you were going to change it again.

**Letter Fifty Six:**

_Dear Draco,  
I may not be your greatest fan, but i think it's great that you are with Hermione... do me a favor will you? Smile a bit more:p  
yours truly,  
dracohermione  
P.S. when are you and Hermione going to tie the knot?_

Dear dracohermione,

Tie the knot? If you are referring to marriage, then not at the moment because neither one of us are ready for such a huge step.

You are speaking of marriage? I'd rather not have to hex you because you are meddlesome concerning our sex life.

-Draco

**Letter Fifty Seven:**

_Dear Draco Malfoy _

I think that you are all right, and I thought you would like to know the real meaning of Yin and Yang which you mentions in one of your replies. Yin is passive, reflective, accepting, dark and Female while Yang is out-going, active, initiating, bright and male. The two are opposites, they are different but complementary ends of unity. One can not live with out the other and I think it fits you and Hermione really well. You are both so different but one can not live without the other. Now this may sound weird but do you think that your own father put a spell on you so you would hate muggle-borns please don't kill me I am just asking. Thanks for reading

Nyssale Nomak

P.S I know that i may have spelt some things wrong and that my grammar may be bad so please don't point out what i already know.

Dear Nyssale Nomak,

I'm not going to kill you, maybe aggravate you. It's nice to know that you agree with our relationship. You are right. I can't live without her, no matter how insufferable she can be.

I won't question it. My father is demented with his never-ending infatuations.

-Draco

P.S. Nice description, it represents Hermione and I very well.

**Letter Fifty Eight:**

_Dear Draco, _

I think the Hermione is a whore! you should go out with Padma Patil!

Your Lord and Master,

Foamy

Foamy,

_My_ lord and master? You _are_ seriously **foaming** at the mouth.

You're telling me that Hermione is a whore, rather than Padma?

You must be joking.

Padma's been ridden more times than Hermione's bloody broom!

Do yourself a favor; commit yourself into a psychiatric ward.

Better yet, start running because I'm after you're begrudging arse!

-Draco

**Letter Fifty Nine:**

_Dear Malfoy,  
_

_I hate you. I hope you die a horrible and painful death at the hands of Harry Potter. Hermione can do so much better than you, and I think her and Ron Weasley were made for each other. I think you are evil and a scum who should be murdered.  
Written with pure hatred,  
_

_HarryPotterLover _

P.S-There are no grammer mistakes because I am not a bumbling idiot like you are you rotten, good-for-nothing jerk.

P.P.S-Harry is way sexier than you, and he is a way better snogger, and I know because I'm Harry's girlfriend Ginny Weasley.

Sodding Twit,

I hate you.

You will die one horrible and painful death soon enough.

Hermione thinks of Ron as a brother you sick freak!

I think you are deranged and corroded.

I don't know who you are but, you are not Weasleyette! She would never say such things you speak off, regardless of her dislike for me you fucking trollop! How do I know? I know this because she and Hermione are always in my company. She is quite refined, not at all as you _pretend_ to be.

-D.M.

P.S. Quite the contrary, you are indeed a bumbling idiot. You can't even spell 'grammar' right. You have terrible sentence structure.

P.S.S Stop with the Ginny charade you wanking imposter!

**Letter Sixty:**

_Dear Draco,  
_

_You better stop being so horrible to Ron, my brother, and Harry, my boyfriend. If you don't I will Bat Boegy Hex you into another dimension. I hope you die soon, and I hope the expierience is painful and slow.  
With my deepest loathing,  
Ginny Weasley _

P.S- Hermione thinks you suck at snogging, we have talked about it. She thinks Ron is better. HAHA you are a loser, and a good for nothing, evil, slytherin slimebag.

Another (sham) Weaslyette,

Is everyone a fraud? I am appalled by your audacity. You're not even close to my real character.

The next time I see another letter like this, I'll Bat Bogey Hex you into another dimension.

-Ginny Weasley (the real one!)

**Letter Sixty One:**

_Dear Draco, _

Again, your fast reply astounds me. Thank you for answering all my questions.

Thank you for taking back what you said. You know, you really are quite civilized. I love how you are the cause of the drama unfolding. It just always makes me smile, when you do what you do best.

You will always be a kind of… authority to some, by putting them back in their places.

My mother is a very good cook, and many of my friends are addicted to her cooking.

I am more of a Pop/Rock fan too. Rap is... Well, it makes me want to throw the radio away, I dislike it.

June 5 is a very good day to be born. I think one of my friends in Primary School was born on the 4th of June.

Do you have any pets? I have 2 dogs, one cat, one budgie (A native Australian bird.) Yes, I live in Australia.

One day, bring Hermione and yourself over for a visit, and a cool drink and some biscuits or cake. It would be pleasure to have you, and could you possibly curse our neighbors, they always give us hell, for no reason. The street thinks they're crazy.

What are your favorite colors? Just curious to know.

Thank you for the compliment on my spelling.

See you,

Sincerely,

Tia.

P.S. Say 'Hi' to Hermione for me, and I like how you call her dawn in French, I think it was.

Dear Tia,

Thank you. I've been saying that for years. Well, I love to taunt others.

Maybe we should switch mothers. It's horrible that I can't even remember a good home cooked meal that wasn't cooked by the one of the house staff.

I have many pets: three cats, which are all Abyssinian, one black leopard, one white tiger, three owls, and the first one is a Burrowing owl, and the last two are Snowy owls from the areas of North America, and finally one Wyvern dragon. Mum wouldn't let me have the Hungarian Horntail because one of the many things they enjoy to eat are humans.

I would love to curse your neighbor's!

Hermione and I will be sure to visit. She misses the Muggles.

You should know my favorite colors, green and silver of course.

You are very smart and I like talking to you—and that's saying a lot, _coming from me_.

-Draco

P.S. Hermione say's hello.

**Letter Sixty Two:**

_Malfoy,_

_I see our sister wrote to you. (F)_

_That was dumb. (G)_

_Anyway, (F)_

_We wanted to know if you'd donate some money to our shop. (G)_

_Don't hate us because of Ron. (F)_

_Or we'll have you as the end of a joke. (G)_

_Hermione won't care. (F)_

_We asked her. (G)_

_-Fred and George Weasley, Co-Owners of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes_

Weasley Twins,

Yes, Weasleyette has sent fan mail. Including two other frauds and it's getting quite tiresome. (F)

I found it dumb as well, though she was civilized about it. (G)

If I'm at the end of one of your juvenile jokes, I'll have you at the end of _my_ hex. (G)

Hermione say's that she wouldn't care either. (F)

I told her. (G)

I'll donate you two doppelganger's some money, consider it charity. (G)

I don't hate you two but, I certainly don't like you either. We do share a pastime, and that is pulling pranks on others.

-Draco

**Letter Sixty Three:**

_Dear Draco,_

_You are incredibly sexy. _

_Sincerely,_

_Secret Admirer_

Dear Secret Admirer,

I know.

Sincerely,

Draco

**Letter Sixty Four**:

_Draco,_

_I saw you and Hermione last night. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone._

_-anonymous_

Dear anonymous person,

Are you into voyeurism?

Students have their own dorms for a reason you perverted animal!

-Draco

P.S. You disgust me!

**Letter Sixty Five:**

_Dear Draco, _

_Answer this. Would you ever consider posing in a jockstrap for the ladies? Before you make a smart ass comment, Madam Areola is not my real name. I just take great pride in my nipples just as you take great pride in...everything involving you, and Hermione of course, and yes, I am a total pervert. I also know that my grammar may very well be incorrect, but hey, who the hell cares anyway?_

_The one and only,_

_Madam Areola_

Dear Madam Areola,

I already have, before Hermione of course. Why do you think all Slytherin parties are the best?

I like the name. It's so…bold.

You have good grammar.

I don't like perverts. You need to rid of that.

You should take pride in your nipples. If you don't, then who will?

I take great pride in my pen…lets not get into that. There might be children reading.

-Draco

**Letter Sixty Six:**

_Dear Draco,_

_I am very happy that Hermione has finally found her soul mate, and wish her the best of luck with the girls that are despising her for it. Draco is a good match for her...he's very nice._

_-Luna Lovegood_

Dear Lovegood,

Why are you speaking in third-person? Are you writing to me, or about me? I'm not a bloody story to be told, especially by you.

-Draco

P.S. Thanks.

**Letter Sixty Seven:  
**

_Draco, _

_Thank you for replying so speedily. That is an interesting story of how you two got together. _

_I am simply going to ask one more question in hopes you will answer. What is your favorite type of music now that we know Hermione's is Pop/Rock fan? _

_Amanda_

_P.S. I hope that I did not insult you seeing as you did not insult me._

Dear Amanda,

I detest Pop/Rock.

I'm not really into muggle music, but if I had to choose from the little exposure that I've heard, I would have to say Alternative Rock. I've only heard one band in this category and that would be "Coldplay".

Other than that, I'd rather stick with my Wizard's Wireless Network. I just can't get enough of the "Weird Sisters".

-Draco

P.S. You didn't insult me…this time.

**Letter Sixty Eight: **

_Draco, _

I'm doing an essay on you and I was hoping that you could give me any valuable facts on your life. I'd really appreciate it.

-Rockafella Jones

Dear Rockafella Jones,

No.

Read the books.

-Draco

**Letter Sixty Nine:**

_Dear Draco, _

Why the fuck are you dating Hermione! You should be dating Pansy, even Bulstroede. Their both rich! I've lost immense respect for you!

I hate you!

-1123548868568

P.S. Hermione is the dirt that EVERYONE walks on.

Dear Family of the Robot,

By the time you have received this letter; your relative would have already been Obliviated.

If you don't know what that is, then you'll soon find out.

Good luck helping him with his memory loss.

-D.M.

P.S. What the hell is with the name! Are you all androids?

**Letter Seventy:**

_Dear Draco, _

I just wanted to say that I think you're a god and that I love you. It's so funny when you put people in their places but it is extra hilarious when they actually argue back. I'm glad you and Hermione are finally a couple. You two were definitely made for each other and anyone who disagrees or doesn't like it can go to hell.

When you actually called Pansy a whore I nearly died from laughter. I absolutely hate the bitch and she too can go to hell. I really can't stand when people insist that you two should go out.

I also really loved when you called Blaise a male prostitute. That was classic but so true.

And I do realize there's probably going to be mistakes in here such as letters being switched around since I am dyslexic. So please don't make fun as I'm kind of self conscious about it. However, I did look over it.

Much love,  
Crimson Suicide

Dear Crimson Suicide,

Well, I've certainly taken a like to you. You think I'm a God! I know you love me.

People have such nerve! They obviously don't know who they're up against.

I like you're outlook. If anyone disagrees with our relationship then they _can_ go to hell.

When will Parkinson see that she's a skunk whore and I loathe her?

Luckily for you, I didn't find many mistakes, nothing I couldn't fix quickly, which is something I don't normally do. I prefer to criticize people about it.

If you are dyslexic, it just means that you are gifted: uncanny vital thinking skills, more curious, creative, and intuitive then the average. So really, you're quite the genius, along with a few side effects.

So what you get confused by the alphabets. Look at Crabbe, he's considered average and he happens to be the stupidest person I've had the pain of knowing.

Sincerely,

Draco

**Letter Seventy One**

_Listen Pretty Boy, _

I'm prepared to bury the hatchet since your arguments, though fiery, are pretty pathetic and groundless. However, just want to ask why the hell you spell criticise the AMERICAN way, with a z, when you are British. Or have you forgotten that?

- Stephanie

Stephanie,

It's a new habit.

I like the American way.

I'm versatile moron! Do you know how many different cultures admire me? I haven't forgotten what I am. Have you?

What about you, argument or arguement? I'm not the only one who's versatile. It's not a compliment.

And your arguements are not groundless? When I pointed out you're faults, they were justified. You threw fire, and I threw hell your way. So, don't send me bloody letters telling me that my arguements are pathetic! This letter is pretty pathetic.

-Draco

**Letter Seventy Two:**

_Dearest Drakey-poo, _

My darling Drakey, i luv yu and yu shud comeback too me. Hermonie is a slut and a bitch and yu shud come fuc mee.

i luv yu and i hope yu will cum bac 2 mee.

Pansy P.

Little girl,

You have a filthy mouth and I don't ever want to receive letters from you.

Where'd you hear such language anyway? What language are you speaking? Nevermind, I'm not even going to get into you're lack of intelligent's. Obviously, you are too young to know any better.

Luckily for you, I am not your parent. Or else, I would literally scrub your mouth clean!

-Draco

**Letter Seventy Three:**  


_Draco, _

Thanks again for replying speedily.

Now I do not see why people insist on being bloody idiots and impersonate Ginny. She is a lovely person and should not be impersonated. And whoever thought that they could even remotely sound like her is positively insane. She is a well-mannered, sophisticated young woman and should not have to deal with that. Tell Ginny to find them and hex them.

Now, on to you. Of course I would not insult you. You are the best match for Hermione and everyone should know that and if they don't then they should be hexed. You two are gorgeous together. Well, you're gorgeous apart so you are even more together.

I can already tell you that the person who wrote something about you and Hermione tying the knot was referring to marriage.

Sincerely,  
Amanda

Dear Amanda,

I don't know about lovely but, she is at least civilized.

Insane, I wouldn't even give them that much credit. They are far worst than insane.

Believe me, Weasleyette wanted to and I _really_ wanted to see that. However, Hermione wouldn't allow her to do so.

Damn her! However, I still love the girl, regardless of her kindness towards the intolerant.

Those who did disagree are either in a mental ward, or possibly crippled, (you didn't hear that from me.)

We are a sexy couple, aren't we? Though she won't say it, Hermione knows how to show off the goods.

Please, no more mentioning of marriage. Maybe it'll happen one day but, not now.

-Draco

**Letter Seventy Four:**

_Dear Draco,  
_

_I have just got the 411 on the fact that you and that lovely Ms. Granger are together.  
To be bold, I must know this information.  
_

_1)How many girlfriends have you had in the past?  
2)Does Hermione know about them?  
3)Is your relationship been going good?  
4)Are her friends upset with you?  
5)Are you still regaurded as the prince of slytheryn?  
_

_Thank you for answering these!  
_

_Rita Skeeter_

Dear Rita Skeeter,

1.) None of your business!

2.) No!

3.) Excellent,

4.) Of course they are, and I couldn't care less.

5.) Yes, I am still "regarded" as the "Slytherin" prince you flying dig bat.

Don't mail me anymore questions, you noisy old bag!

P.S. Be sure to have somebody edit you're horrific spelling. How did you get a job as a journalist?

-Draco

**Letter Seventy Five:**

_Dear Draco,  
_

_I'll make a nice long (maybe not long...) letter with many mistakes because I know you love to correct them;  
2 0  
mi home-boi! i no u no b responding to letters no more but may-b u resume! I hope so mucho! My b-day is June 3rd, us Gemini's rule! I think u r kinda cute, K!NDA though. Cedric is betta! s0rry. Do you know any other languages?  
Yo se espanol, pero la problema es que no hay accentos aqui y no puedo escribir muy bien. Tambien yo se Hebrew.  
_

_Ta ta,  
_

_Moigh_

Dear Moigh.

No, you misunderstand me completely. I don't love to _correct_ mistakes. I love to point out idiocy, which I will gladly do now:

You are one unusual, bored, and annoying fanatic who needs serious help.

You're right, you can't write very well. Not in English or Spanish. Don't blame it the lack of accents! Get global service.

Who care's what your zodiac sign is?

Everyone knows I'm cute. I don't need to be reminded.

Cedric isn't alive! How retarded are you?

-Draco

P.S. Κάνετε του καθενός μια εύνοια και πάρτε μια ζωή. Good luck understanding that.

**Letter Seventy Six:**  


_Dear... oh what the hell,  
_

_My friend has this big crush on you since, like, EVER! I personally got the hots for Cedric Diggory, he is one smoking guy. You are pretty cute too, and Hermione is gorgeous, so I say hi to you both. _

Lil Sweet Suga

PS- (not in letter) I know the name is stupid but w/e

Dear Lil Sweet Suga,

That isn'tnew; every girl has a crush on me, unless they are lesbians.

Either you people are ignorant, or flat out disrespectful. Respect the dead!

Hey, hands off my Hermione. She doesn't float that way. Hermione rather likes the dangly bits.

-Draco

P.S. Your name is indeed stupid. It sounds like a stripper name.

**Letter Seventy Seven:**

_Dear Draco, do you partake in anything muggle? I am thinking like baking, watching movies etc._

_-Au Revoir _

_need drugs_

Dear Au Revoir,

I enjoy skateboarding.

I don't bake!

Do I look like some soft patsy?

Do you chop wood?

Muggle movies are either predictable, or pointless. I hate them so far.

I don't particularly like muggle theatres either. The people can be so rude, which later results in havoc on my account. Oh, and don't worry. None of the Muggle's remembers being hexed. I erased any and all memories regarding magic.

-Draco

P.S. What do you have?

**Letter Seventy Eight:**

_Dear Draco,_

_Why are you going out with mudblood Granger? After all those years we had together, how could you do this to me? I thought you loved me. And to find out you cheated on me with that filth, it almost killed me. So I am asking you one more time, drop the extra weight, and come back to me. The beds still warm ;)_

_Pansy_

Whore,

In order to cheat on someone, they have to actually date one another! I've never and will never date you.

Love you? Merlin! The thought of it makes me shudder.

You are filth, regardless of your blood status. I'm not the only one who thinks that either. You'd better consider your friends. There are plenty of rumours circulating around Slytherin in regards to you.

_Parkinson is easy. _

_Parkinson will sleep with anything with two legs…possibly four._

_I heard she was having an affair with professor Trelawney, and in her fourth year, with professor Snape. _

I'm certain that there is room for _plenty_ but, I'm not one of them.

-D.M.

**Letter Seventy Nine:**

_Draco,_

_So, I was wondering when we could finally sleep together. I've been craving you for the last few days, please, make my wishes come true, your loving girlfriend,_

_-Hermione_

FRAUD,

I was thinking, NO!

You are not my girlfriend!

Make my wishes come true: GET BURIED ALIVE!

-Draco

**Letter Eighty:**

_Draco,_

_Mate, we really need to do something drastic, like old times and soon. I think this is the longest we have gone without pranking the Gryffindorks. So I thought we could do something to Pothead and Weasel. I was going to say we should also do something with Granger, but you're dating her, so there really isn't anything we can do to her, well me anyway. _

_You could do anything to her, wink wink. _

_-Blaise_

_P.S. Don't let Hermione read this letter, she might get mad!_

Blaise,

You're damn right we're not going to do anything to my Hermione you crack pot!

As for Potty and Weasel, something can be arranged. You know where to my find me.

And that's not an invitation you prostituting queer.

Do I have to cut out your eye sockets as well?

-Draco

**Letter Eighty One:**

_Drakeypoo,_

_Hello Draco, this is Madame Silmskay writing you. I think you are devilishly handsome, and, as my friend Madame Stephie would say, "I want you in my pants". So give me a call anytime you like, and i'll be waiting, toddles._

_Madame Silmskay_

Perverted Animal,

Listen to me you horny bat! Why don't you shag yourself?

There's no way in Azkaban that I would ever get into your pants.

Don't wait up!

I'm not your toddles!

-D.M.

**Letter Eighty Two:**

_Hey, Draco_

_I don't think anyone has asked this before but, I just wanted to know: boxers or briefs?_

_And please reply. I really want to know._

_Yours truly,_

_Kelly_

Dear Kelly,

Boxers.

Briefs really don't have enough room, if you know what I mean.

-Draco

**End Of Letters**

**

* * *

**

**Dear Fans, Frauds, and Retards, **

**I would like to thank you all for your words of kindness, stupidity, and hatred. **

**I have found them quite enjoyable and irritating, and I couldn't be more appreciative and thankful for everyone sending in your fanmails, though fifty percent of them were a bloody waste of my time and your paper. **

**But, as you all know, all things must come to an end and I am growing tired and annoyed by majority of your letters. I have a life that I must get back to, which is something that some of you wouldn't understand if it hit you in the face. **

**With much fondness, or dislike,**

**-Draco Malfoy**

**P.S. For those of you who were intelligent and respectful, you will receive an extra packet of signed Draco t-shirts, with my lovely face directly on the front, and back of you're shirts. Enjoy!**

**As for the unintelligent, rude, and nasty, if you are still breathing, you are considered lucky because most of you have been dwelt with, either missing, or seriously damaged. You brought it upon yourselves! I'm sure nobody will miss anyway:**

**The Robot**

**Stephanie**

**Pansy (Prostitute!)**

**Pansy Imposters**

**Hermione Imposters (Most likely dead.)**

**My Mother Frauds, (Mum did it.)**

**My Father Frauds**

**Rita Skeeter **

**Moigh**

**Luna Lovegood, (because you are strange.)**

**Weasleyette Imposters**

**Foamy (You're insane!)**

**Pretend family members**

**Sad Admirer**

**Weasel**

**SingfortheMoment**

**Maggi**

**Little Billy**

**Jacob "M-Dawgg" Smith**

**Jessiee**

**Potty**

**Swimfan **

**May God be with them. **

**

* * *

**

**A/N**: And that'sall folks. It's finished, so if you send anymore letters, than you're short. If you're interested in Hermione's Fan Mail then check out **hpfreaks815** new piece and **Flair Vernona the Slytherin Queen's** Letters To Snape.


End file.
